Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Sleepless in CT

It is the wee hours in the morning of May 15, 2012.  It is so hard to believe that it is May.  Just the other day, I heard someone on the radio say it is May and the weather will be.   I thought to myself no it is not it is February.   I mean it feels like we have only just started this new year; but the amount of stuff we have accomplished since the new year is tremendous.  To think if it only feels like February time wise, that means all that we have accomplished since January first till now is equivalent to fitting it into a time span of only a few weeks if I feel it is February.  Not sure if that makes sense, but imagine it this way---each week is equivalent of one month of life lived on earth (one month of stuff crammed into one week). 

I am sleepless this morning.  I have been up for the last few hours not able to sleep, at first I thought it was because it was too warm, but I realize I have so much going on inside of me. I am leaving for my trip back to Michigan tomorrow and I am resisting it so much. Apparently, this is not a normal trip for me.  The only time I feel the resistance I am feeling is when the trip's hold something lifechanging in store---by the way, the lifechanging is usually something good and positive; yet like I have said many times--I tend to resist that which is good for me as many of us do.  I started to pack yesterday and boy I tore my home apart--cleaning so much more than just my closet--I started the kitchen and tomorrow (today) I will tackle the living room before I leave for work as I will be working all day today.  I guess it is a clearing and perhaps a preparation of sorts--clearing out space. 

Meanwhile, I am really going through lots of emotions and healing at this moment especially with regard to my twinflame. I feel some of my resistance is because I fear I am leaving my twin behind; in many ways: spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally.  Yet, I also know on some level that he is never really behind me --he is always there right beside me. (As I write that I realize I really don't allow myself to feel the pain as much as I need to---because I have always had this gift of seeing both sides--sometimes I think it is a curse of being a Pisces--I always used to say that the symbol of Pisces: two fish in opposite directions was because we were so indecisive, but the truth is that we see both sides and it isn't always easy to choose which one is "right" in terms of what others think.  As I type this, I get such clarity that the "right" way is what brings us closer to the love of self.  (Take that as a lesson that the right way for anything and everything is the way in which brings us closer to self love...what a beautiful lesson!)  For me this morning, some tears need to come because I am missing him (my twinflame) so much.  He called and hung up on me last night 4 times.  I don't understand it, why doesn't he speak when I answer?  I want to shout out to him that I love him and accept him just as he is, but I have done all that and wonder sometimes if it is futile because he has to believe it himself for himself.   I am so close to calling his phone to listen to his voicemail just so I can hear his voice, but instead I am blogging all of this to you so that I don't succumb to doing that.  I need his voice, I need his arms around me and I need to hear him tell me he loves me.  I feel really needy right now...I need his love...I need your love my beloved man.

Now I swear I am such an interesting dichotomy because while I feel all of the above, I also know that the smoother road is here and the journey to him is getting shorter and no longer is an uphill path.  I see him in my sight.  I remember visualizing his path to me (during meditation) and he was so far off in the distance I could barely make it out.  Now at this moment I see the path and honestly, he is there only steps away...what a beautiful image to end this blog on...he really is only steps away (the image I get is like in a movie when someone is standing looking at their love who is standing a small distance apart like across a street, but instead it is a path with light behind my beloved twinflame). 

FYI--posting this blog at 5:55 a.m.  It is no surprise to me...been seeing that number everywhere....that is our number even if isn't. It is the number that I see when things are about to change....well I'm ready, what are ya'll waiting for?  Bring it on...bring my twinflame to my doorstep...I'm ready and waiting.


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