Last night I asked for dreams for clarity of messages that I have not gotten or have not understood. I kept dreaming something about soap making. I will not bore you with the details, but I will tell you what I learned from the dreams last night is that I am always, ALWAYS willing to help everyone else achieve their goals and dreams--and yes I am a Spiritual Coach, Teacher and Intuitive Healer, but I tend to put everyone in front of me. I tend to put others needs above my own especially when I am working with clients. I don't hold tight to my boundaries. Why is that?
For example: When I am working with a client, I am totally focused on their needs and forgo the extra time I need between clients or my need to each lunch; that is by my choice. Over the years I've gotten better about taking care of myself, like scheduling the appropriate amount of time in between sessions; however, my clients fail to recognize how important my time is. Often a client will overstay their time slot, (now since I am not nearly working as I did in the past due to my car accident--it isn't like I have another appointment waiting to come in and that cuts the client of. Now it is more of an effort on my part to uphold my boundaries.), the reality is that my time is just as valuable as anyone else's and I should be charging for the additional questions/time, but sometimes I don't. Their choosing to stay longer, talk more when it is clearly the end of the session interferes with my needs. It frustrates me because often I need time to go rest, eat my lunch before going off to an appointment. Once in awhile is one thing, but often clients can border on abusive taking advantage of because they do not know their own boundaries. Is it their fault? No, it is mine for not being more clear about what my needs are. This is something I discovered this morning lying in my bed.
I laid in bed trying to understand what the thoughts are, you know, the ones that carry such deep weight in me, but I am hardly aware of. I really spent a good hour laying in bed and "analyzing me" to discover the root of this. Once I got started, it got easier for me to figure out the root of why I don't put my needs ahead of others. By the way, think of the Airplane Analogy: "...make sure to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before attempting to help someone else put on theirs." This is significant! Here was my discovery in a shortened version: The first thought is that I need to help others. The second thought is that others are more important to me. The third thought was that is what my mother and father do. The fourth thought came to how it is more important to be a martyr that to want or need something. (That thought/belief was taught by the religion I grew up in). The fifth thought, came by way of the second thought, I am not good enough. The sixth thought, came by way of the fifth, if I am not good enough then I am definitely not worthy. WOW! Is all I can say....It never occurred to me that I didn't feel worthy enough to put my own needs ahead of me because I feel I am not good enough. How do I unlearn that belief? I have to check to see if it is valid. What would make me not good enough? Who determines what is good enough? In this instance, I can go back to my childhood religion and upbringing. The first sign of invalidity of this belief is that I don't believe in that religion any longer because I have come to accept that it is not along the lines of my soul's truth. The second sign is that I am an adult now and can objectively look at my parents and see that this is a belief they held about themselves and it spanned over into my upbringing, thereby, I learned it to be my truth. The key is I learned it; therefore, it can be unlearned since it is not truth to my soul. Wow, what a processing session this morning with myself was!
Oy...I have to get moving--this writing is taking a bit longer than I expected. Stay tuned for tomorrow's update on my journey.
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