The other night I walked by the mirror and caught a view of myself in it. I did a double take and I said, “wow, you are so beautiful.” That was an amazing revelation to me. The interesting thing is that I have for the last several years of my life always said I loved me and I have, but I had never said I was beautiful, but damn it I truly am.
I have always wanted to be the teacher who could and would teach people to fall in love with themselves, and yes I have been doing that; but what could be more amazing than me teaching it while knowing that I am falling in love with me all over again. It was such a wonderful feeling the other night. It was incredible really, I am a little high on all this…who needs to drink or do drugs when you can be so high on simply loving you?
I met someone and I shall call him “L” for now. When I met “L”, he forced me to look at me and come to the realization that I am beautiful. You wonder how that is possible? Honestly, I will tell you, if I was reading this I would be saying to me how is that possible that a man you love and are not with can make you see yourself as beautiful?
Well, I would have to say, “L” was the first man that I loved who looked at me when he met me and said with complete and utter sincerity, “You are so beautiful. You look like an angel”. That was four years ago. I knew that night he saw my spirit and I was very comfortable in knowing that my spirit was beautiful. When you are psychic you don’t see people the same any longer, you begin to see them as the love that they are, the potential of their growth and the true essence that is their soul so I could easily accept that he saw my spirit and thought it was beautiful. What I didn’t always allow me to know is that he saw me---April, physical, in person April with her spirit shining through her physical being. “L” is not and does not proclaim to be a spiritual person; if anything he is the opposite of me so all he could see was the physical April in front of him. I never doubted what he saw in me because he was so clearly speaking his truth in that moment, but I think perhaps I doubted my own beauty. I guess I never considered myself to be beautiful before. Yes, I loved my eyes and thought I had beautiful eyes, but my whole physical being, is it beautiful, was more of the question?
Still riding the high waves from the other night’s revelation, I decided to look a little more at me and what it is that I am working on...
Fortunately and unfortunately as you will learn, I am always working on me even when I want to run and hide which in the last few months has been quite often I can honestly say. The funny thing is that is what I love so most about me; I don’t end up giving up, rather I keep forging ahead to heal me.
I have discovered on this part of the journey I am working on feeling “good enough”. I learned a long time ago from my angels and guides that I often get the clearest messages by way of the relationships I have in my life; particularly with men. I think because the men in my life have been so unsure of themselves; I have used that to keep giving me reason to feel like I am not worthy or good enough. When, in fact, I know that their uncertainty and insecurity is not about me. When you think about it, it is like my own sick rationale for feeling unlovable or unbeautiful? (is that even a word?) Does that make sense?
The other day, I just got through saying to a friend that I wish I knew why people were in my life at the time they are there, but it appears that I end up learning the reason after the fact. I believe that I am there for people as much as I believe they are there for me. This time around I thank “L” for his love and his recognition of my beauty—it may have taken me four years to recognize what he did, but without him…I may not have.