Sunday, December 7, 2014

Day 22 of My 45 Day Journey

Good Morning beautiful people,

So in this journey of paying attention to my thoughts--again it just happens now--it isn't like I am constantly thinking to myself, "what am I thinking", instead, the vigilance just happens when you immerse yourself in the energy of change.  I've been spending less time on the computer these days--which is really great for transforming my life so that is why I am not posting a daily blog--which by the way, I found myself upset about at first, but then it occurred to me --this is my journey and I need to do what is best for me. I found that I am spending more time taking care of me--which is by far most important.  

So today, I share something very personal that I discovered on this Journey of Removing Negativity.  Yesterday, I felt negativity/old beliefs creeping in. I had a phone call with a dear soul, my twinflame, that I haven’t talked with in awhile.  He asked me how I was doing and if I was working, and I said, "yes, but very little still because I can really only take weekend appointments at this time with all the physical therapy appointments I have going on.He asked me how much money I was making.  Now, many of you may think he is just asking because all he cares about is money, but in truth he is asking because he  is worried about me—he knows that I literally live day to day and never know how I am going to pay things.   It has been quite the struggle over the past couple of years and he is well aware of it, but that is not the point—the point is that in the instant he asked me—the flow of the conversation changed, or I should say I changed it for a few minutes because I became really uncomfortable with it.  I reacted almost defensively, but not that he would recognize that, but I sure recognized the feeling building inside of me. I felt embarrassed that all I can do is 2 appointments per weekend and once in a while 3 and that I don’t make a lot of money.  He asked why? Again, I emphasize, he asked me out of love not out of any judgment--he is worried about me and yet he doesn't want to say that because saying that would make him uncomfortable so instead he asks the things that logically make sense to him. (boy do I ever understand him--I love him deeply and he without really understanding it I am sure, loves me just as deeply.)   I said. "physically I can’t handle more than that and right now I am still trying to heal and still in a great deal of pain."  He said, "what does that mean?"  I told him,  "It means that I carry myself like I am fine because I don't want to dwell on the negative, but in reality I feel a great deal of pain and exhaustion most of the time. In addition I am doing everything I know to heal myself.   I am in so many doctors and Physical Therapy all over the state—let alone I am still trying to recover my body, driving all over for appointments and then extremely physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted after the appointments."  (I will not go into it, but let’s suffice it to say that I do not  have the greatest insurance, as it is only accepted 40 minutes from me in either direction for Physical Therapy.)  

Anyway, I was able to catch what I was feeling/experiencing and then I was able to reframe it as I talked to him getting our conversation back to "comfortable" for me.  I said, "I am so proud of myself for being able to work that much and yes, I am well aware that it isn't a lot of money and it keeps me scared, but the reality is that three months ago I wasn't able to do this at all and for the most part I can be consistent with a few cancellations here and there."  I was able to look at how far I had come even if to the observer--it may not be very far at all.  So, back to the feeling of embarrassment and insecurity.  After I hung up with him, I sat for a few minutes and pondered what had happened, and what I discovered is that him asking me those questions brought up my insecurity and my feelings of being less than—I felt in that moment unworthy of him. OMG I thought I had worked on that, that thought immediately came to mind, and then I said softly to myself--yes, you have, but here is another layer.  This has nothing to do with him. It  has all to do with "little April" who feels she is not good enough because she is not like everyone else.  She is different--she is in pain, she is a burden, she is poor, she can't even take care of herself. It really brought me out on a truthful/painful tangent.  What is different this time is that I realize those are "little April's fears" and she is comparing herself to physically healthy people her adult age with expectations that she had for herself prior to the car accident.  This is a different experience than healthy people. I need to honor where "adult April" is at during this time.  She needs to know that she is worthy, loveable and capable to healing.   So rather than beat myself up, I was able to talk to the little girl in me and tell her that this is temporary to feel this way and her focus should be on remembering that she is healing and, she is valuable,  she is abundant in love and friendships, that money does not dictate who she is, she is perfect as she is: lovable and worthy.  At the end of my "little session with myself", I discovered even my twinflame thinks I am lovable and worthy otherwise he wouldn't hold a concern for me as he does.   I realize when I change my perception it really does make a difference, because had my twinflame and I had this conversation 5 years ago, I wouldn't have seen that he does find me lovable and worthy, instead I would have felt he didn't think I was good enough.  Wow not only is my twinflame growing with love--so am I.

Wow such profound work, without really working. In essence it took me only 15-20 minutes to work through all of this--our phone conversation only lasted 10 minutes and I spent a good 5-10 minutes clearing this belief.  I realize that the universe may show it to me again to ensure that I've really cleared it.

May you have some amazing discoveries for yourself on this path today...


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