Day 39 of 45 Day Journey: Worthiness

Hello Everyone,

It is a cloudy Christmas Eve Morn and the temperatures in CT are far from the typical snowy Christmas and quite honestly—I don’t feel Christmas in the air.  I had to go out last night to get last minute gifts and do you know I could easily maneuver going in and out of the stores without any trouble.  Oh and the parking spaces were right by the door.  I truly have never experienced that.  This year there seems to be a lot of things happening to extricate people out of the old energies/situations/relationships/careers etc so I think that adds to the lack of holiday spirit I sense.  I also feel we are on the brink of major change and transformation--which isn't always comforting--but I do recommend you look forward to it. 

Anyway, I hope the magic of the holiday will spark something inside of each of you…for me watching Miracle on 34^th Street the other night helped with it, and I watched a Christmas movie in the background of wrapping gifts last night.  It is quite amazing really when you think about how we can change our mood from one of doom and gloom to one of love and excitement for the future. (I have to admit this has been the hardest week for me to stay in the positive.  A lot has gone wrong, but a lot has gone good too and I don’t forget that….it is just that I am ready for miracles to really happen, how about you?  I will be glad to put closure to the last three years of my life. I am going to go forward to look at February 14th of 2016 as closure from my accident on the same date of 2013.  My focus is that life will look, feel, be different than it is at this moment and all in the positive and wonderful way that it can be!)

Id like to share a story with you for today and it goes along with the theme of manifesting dreams from the class I am teaching on the 45 Days to Transformation.   What did you  discover the other day on your list to what may be blocking you?  Feelings? Did you sit with what came up?  Fears?  It is time to relay them back to where they belong….what belief do you hold about YOU (not the situation) that you think may be blocking you?  This is a hard step that we sometimes can’t get out of our own way with.

I had an epiphany this morning as I preparing for today’s lesson and class  that I needed to revisit worthiness

for myself.  With all the work I have done on me, I do recognize that I am valuable, a necessary piece of the puzzle, worthy of all I desire and more.  Now I have always known that in my head, I even felt I understood it fully about myself.  It is easy for me to understand it for others, but what I recognize today is that I need to feel it inside of me again—I need to reconnect with that part of me often—not just when it strikes me or when I have an epiphany.  I have definitely had moments of awareness and worthiness over the last several years of my life, particularly since 2011.  I thank you all my beautiful friends for helping me to feel it and assisting me on my journey to worthiness.  The clearing of my past and the unworthiness chain has followed me around for sometime…I am ready now to release another layer. I am ready and willing to release my need to feel unworthy. I am ready to accept I am good enough.  I am worthy. I am worthy of all that I desire. I am worthy because I am.  This is the underlying belief that I discovered –hidden beneath what came up for me is “feelings of not good enough, translating to worthiness.” 

Back in 2012, I ran a class on Manifesting Your Dreams through using your thoughts. I had taught a similar class to this in the past, but this time I allowed my guides to teach it.   I mean I channeled everything I talked about. I even remember the second week of the class, I said to my students. I know you had homework, how was it?  What was it?  I seriously didn't remember anything I had said or taught that day, but the message that was clear to me is that there are certain core beliefs each of us developed as young children and incorporated them as part of us.  And, it is time to let them go.  (Tip for you---what core belief no longer serves you?  Look at the signs, particularly messages from your homework the other day, in your life and see where that is stuck and really look into the layers of things that are stuck.  You may need assistance with this step many of us do---I’d be happy to help you, but you must be willing to do the work for when we work together the energy gets moving rapidly. )

I gave my students homework to get to the core belief that was underlying the difficulty they were having in achieving what it is they were wanting.  As you all know, I don't ever give homework to clients or students that I have not done myself so I understand what it is I am giving each of you.  Now, I have noticed that so many people need to first fall in love with themselves.  They often tell me that they love themsleves, but I can feel the lack of love for themselves even with their speaking it.  Loving yourself requires you to be able to look deep within your soul by connecting with your eyes and telling you that you love you (This is the exercise I had given you previously about establishing a soul connection by looking at your eyes and speaking to the little girl or boy inside of you.  Say the following: I love and accept myself just as I am. And watch how magic happens.) 

For me that part I can honestly say I got down I can truly look in the mirror and say I love me and really mean it and feel it.  However, as we all know we have layers of stuff (healing that needs to clear).  So I took notice during this class that one of the themes that kept coming up for me was worthiness.  I felt unworthy.  When the physical class ended, I have continued to work with my students in weekly 15-20 minute check in phone conferences.  During our first phone call, I asked them to hold me accountable for my homework of working on my worthiness as I was holding them accountable for their work.  Well, if you know me, you know I really do live the way I speak and off I went on my mission to reclaim my worthiness.  I remember looking in the mirror saying, I am worthy. And hearing, in the back of my mind a voice that said, Are you?  (I swear it felt like it came out of nowhere, but truly it was in the dark recesses of my mind.)  That one moment spawned a whole mess of feelings, emotions and work to do.  So like the good student, I did my work every day; honoring me for the voice  I heard was really me and what really was going on not the words that I spoke out loud.

After a few weeks of doing my mirror exercises of “I am worthy. I am willing to release unworthiness.”  I heard that voice again, but this time it said, "You Are."  Wow!! I achieved it in my thoughts.  I was no longer going against the thoughts in my head, they were now in the new alignment of feeling worthy.   I was so proud, but felt I needed to continue working it.  So I continued and things I had been manifesting, just began to show up (well really continued even into now.)

Then, almost three years ago now, I had the car accident.  I began to do all I humanly knew as possible to clear up my injuries as you all know, including every available tool to me in my alternative world in addition to traditional world, but I have to be truthful—the alternative has worked so much more!  Well as you should well know, energy healing really gets things moving on all levels, spiritual, mental, emotional and physical.    It worked my wish to heal this unworthiness issue that I have carried around for so many years has manifested through back pain and feelings of unworthiness.   Without going into too much more detail, people started showing me how worthy I am.  Everything culminated this past few years when I was receiving all these beautiful gifts of love, support and friendship during this most difficult time in my life.  I mean, I am still in my apartment –sometimes I say I don’t know how, but if I step back and really own my value and worthiness—I can honestly say that I manifested it.—wow look at me owning my power.  It feels a little funny—but it is the truth.  My guides have always said I am a Master Manifestor and I have to admit they are right.  Things that were never expected or thought happened; all was extremely needed. 

Truthfully, it overwhelmed the heck out of me, but in a good way, (I remember my twinflame saying that I overwhelmed him, but in a good way.  I never understood what he meant until this moment.  But I digress.)  You would think that beautiful things that people give me or share with me or help me with would make me feel so loved and worthy, but what I discovered is that it made me feel less. I felt inferior like I owe something because I can't give back in the same way that they can offer the help to me when I need it.   I have always had that independent attitude that I can do everything; I thought I had to and it seems really clear to me now that I wanted to do so that I wouldn’t feel inferior.  (ding ding)  Wow the revelations kept coming for me over the few years.  It isn't because these beautiful people make me feel inferior/unworthy; it is because I make/made me feel this way based on my belief that I am/was not worthy of being here or I am/was not good enough.   I had the assistance of friend who witnessed my emotions and my discoveries of where the beliefs of unworthiness began.  She was an Angel to me in the last year to help me understand that there are layers of it and I have to revisit and maintain my worthiness—just as I need to maintain my self-love.

After thinking about it I realize I do give back ME  and that ME IS ENOUGH. I am good enough.  I am worthy. I want to shout it out to the world so everyone knows and perhaps it will get through to me too—once and for all!  I think the truth is that I am the only one it has to get through no one else—everyone else already seems to know that I am worthy.  It needs to be my truth every moment of every day of my life.

So in a long winded way, the truth is that this helped me to understand and renewed my faith in the reunion of my twinflame….this worthiness thing is something that both he and I have had all our lives.  I realize that I need to continue my journey of taking care of me by accepting and allowing me to feel worthy/good enough until it is a natural inherent part of me once again (notice I say “once again” that is because we knew this before we incarnated into the earthly realm), just as the old belief was.  I have full faith he is coming and on his way to me….I feel like this was a profound healing for me…but no I am not done, but perhaps almost done on this layer.  I am worthy of  the full reunion with my twinflame.  I am good enough to celebrate physical union with this man. Thank you all you beautiful souls for bearing witness to my journey and perhaps I have been able to impart some wisdom to you.  Blesssings.

My wish for you today is to see your own beliefs that may need to be upgraded, revisited or explored a little more.

Day 34 of 45 Days: Epiphany

Good Beautiful Saturday in CT.

Sun is shining after a few days of clouds and gloomy weather….I needed that when I woke up this morning—it has been a tough couple of weeks both physically, emotionally and mentally.  I’ve had very little sleep now in over a week and I am not used to this.  I am choosing to take it as a sign that I am getting better.  So onto today’s snippet.

Almost 25 years ago, I was doing some work on my spirit, but not completely in the way I do work on my spirit now. I was living at home with my parents and attended traditional therapy bi-weekly (haven't been to therapy in 22 years..now I have other tools). It was college break and I worked two part time jobs. My daily morning routine that summer (it took an hour and half to complete and I loved it!) was to wake up, ride my bike to a park in the town I lived in. I would pack with me a bottle of water, a piece of fruit, a book to read, a journal and pen. Sometimes I would take a yogurt too!  (Boy, thinking about it—some things never change—if you know me—I still take all that stuff with me, only exception is that I don’t take yogurt now!)  I'd park my bike and walk the park. After the walk, I'd make my way back to the bleachers to sit and relax. I would sit for a few minutes looking gathering in my "taste of sunshine". Then I would lie down on the bench and notice how good it felt to rise early in the morning on a summer day. After a few minutes of meditating, let’s face it that is really what it was, I’d sit up and say my prayers, eat my breakfast and decide to read or write in my journal. (As you can see I was always prepared.) It was so powerful for me-- I contemplated life...sometimes I did more writing than I did contemplating and other days I did more contemplating.  Often I would ponder bits of wisdom that would come to me; when I think back the wisdom I had as a 19 year old was far beyond my years—and quite honestly therapy wasn’t able to truly help me because I too was beyond what they could comprehend.  But I digress, I want to tell you about one particular day.  One morning I finally got it, I grasped very clearly a simple message that came to me.  It was so life changing and simple that most of us overlook this fact—believe me it was so profound that I would compare it to the message Yeshua gave me that summer day about “I am the Way”, the one I wrote you about early on in this class.  You will be amazed at how simple this is or you will be like “yes, I know”.  Well, either way stay out of your head with this one, step away from your ego that says yes I know, and open your heart  like that of the little child within you learning a new thing for the first time. The truth is—this is something we inherently know, but have forgotten and; even with the awareness, it gets forgotten at times as we get lost looking outside ourselves for the answers. You know what I mean, right?  Okay, okay onto it already:




No one can tell you they will love you forever because the only person in your forever is you. So you have to love yourself. -April Ann D’Amato

Do you we really comprehend it? Go ahead read it again.  Does it invoke in you the real meaning behind the words, not just the words?  Let your little child remember his/her first steps on the path of life when they discovered they can dress themselves, played dress up or got ready for the school play and looked in the mirror and felt true love for themselves for the first time; let me rephrase that, true “SELF-LOVE”.   It isn’t that you have to love yourself, but if you do, you will never really feel alone, you will always have love in your life, you will begin to make choices for your well-being not out of fear/patterning/loss.  There is so many doors that open when you love yourself.

To this day to read it...it pulls me back to the moment when I first discovered this all important truth. I remember I was walking on cloud nine when this came to me. So simple, so easy to comprehend or is it? So simple and real I should have known it, but I didn't feel it till that day. As much as I have felt it, reading that statement is just what I need to "remember" from time to time...I hope it sparks something in you too.   The point being you need to love yourself because you are truly the only one who will always be there for you.  Interesting thought isn’t it?  It is about ownership/responsibility/self-love and truth.   On that day, it occurred to me because my grandmother told me that she would be there for me at least until I graduated high school, but she actually died when I was 9 years old.  I was devastated and there started the fear of not being loved, the fear of abandonment and the patterns that needed to be corrected. It took me years to have this realization and I can honestly say I worked really consistently upon my self-love and there did come a time not too far off in the future after this epiphany that I had did I recognize I loved me, I value me and I am worthy and deserving of the life I desire.  It has empowered me to love me more, faith that what I feel inside of me is truth and courage to endure being single until the time is right for me.  (I say courage because my twinflame journey has taken a lot of faith and courage to keep on its path.  It would be so easy to give up and settle like most people do and not wait for real love, but that one phrase above propel me forward always.)  I hope this helps you too.

Pardon me for the wordy snippet this day, but spirit tells me to write what I feel and sometimes my feelings can be wordy....

Some thoughts for you to ponder:

What does that one sentence mean to you?  Does it change you?  Will it change how you view the “wanting/needing/expectation” of relationships and/or love from outside yourself? 

Where do you feel what I wrote in your body? Do you have a physcial, mental or emotional reaction?

Inspirational Snippet: Holiday Healing

Inspirational Snippet: Holiday Healing


Turkey, Stuffing and Cranberry Sauce....Ahhh...The taste of Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
I have to say that this is my favorite holiday. I love the food, of course, as many do, but it is more about the meaning of the holiday; or what I should say the meaning has become for me. It has become an opportunity for me to look at my life and really notice the many things that I am grateful for. It is a great reminder to not take anything for granted. It is also a time that we can share the abundance in our life with our friends and family.

Several years back, I chose to create a Vegan Thanksgiving to celebrate with my family of Light--my friends that are composed of clients, students and friends.  It is always around 11-11 that I do and it is really healing for my soul, my body and my mind.  This is a day when everyone who comes together has actively made a choice to be with one another eating a more healthy array of foods that if I might add are incredibly delicious (I know some of you think that is crazy, but believe you me--the food is beyond delish!)  I love it and it fulfills me!   And I have to say, this was the best year yet for food--and here is a little secret--most people in attendance are not Vegan, but for one day a year they can come together and get creative out of love for one another--to me that is what the holiday is about--sharing, caring, gratitude and loving.

Still the real holidays are approaching, and I usually spend the holidays at my parents with my brothers and their children.  There is nothing like my mom's idea of Thanksgiving. You grow up with certain family traditions and that is what you are looking for around the holidays...I don't know about everyone, but that is how I feel. I love my family traditions of food at Thanksgiving--it really feels great to be Italian, Polish and Ukrainian--those cultures for me have such yummy foods; how can one resist?
Several years ago, I made the decision to not go to my family's for Thanksgiving. It was a difficult decision for me at best. I decided to use my voice and take a stand for what I believe to be important. My stand was to not attend my family holiday gathering because of the lack of respect I felt directed towards me from my brothers. I really love my family, but I didn't always feel good when I went there for the holidays. My brothers were angry and they took it out on me. They do not like what I do for a living. They would make fun of me and talk badly about what I do which made it very uncomfortable for all the people in attendance including my little nieces. While I don't accept their thoughts as mine, the behavior was very disrespectful and can be quite harmful to my energy. It seemed the more content I had gotten with my life over the last few years, my brothers seemed to have gotten angrier. Is that the case? Or is it that I am or have gotten to a more balanced experience with my feelings that I can't relate or allow as much as I may have allowed in the past?

In case you are wondering, yes, I do understand their stuff is not about me; however, the negative energy does impact me and I have a choice to experience it or not. I even understand the lessons associated with this and the deeper spiritual healing piece, but what I am writing about today is the human experience and my choice of not taking part in something I deem to be unhealthy for me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I don't think family gatherings should be disrespectful and not to mention they just shouldn't make you feel so bad. The energy can be harmful to not only the person made to feel uncomfortable, but everyone there.

I know holidays can be dysfunctional and families can be crazy--I mean they make many movies about it and perhaps they will make one about mine someday too!  But honestly, all joking aside, the experience can be toxic to our intuitive natures. It is not pleasant to "feel" under attack at a place that is supposed to be safe. It was hard to make this decision not to go to my parents that year, but I think because I did that, it helped me heal with them.  My family's interaction with me began to change after that and while we are not all on the same page--perhaps not even in the same book, it is tolerable, safe and a much warmer climate at the family gatherings.

Over the years, I have done a lot of things that I didn't want to do out of guilt and obligation so as to keep everyone in the family happy. Does this sound familiar?  It really is a common thing that a lot of us tend to do; make decisions that would cause the least amount of problems for the family even if it isn't in your best interest. The truth is that we often worry about everyone else and forget about our own needs and how we may be affected by those choices.  Each time we make a choice in favor of someone else over our needs, we give away our power.  Feeling powerless leads to so many things, like low self-esteem, depression, guilt, shame to name a few.

I decided a long time ago that the only person who could make me happy is me so I made the choice to make me happy that Thanksgiving. I want to feel loved, safe and at peace. I explained to my parents as best as I could; that it was not because I didn't love them, but I was not attending because I felt like my brothers should treat me with respect. I truly do not believe that it is too much to ask. I mean I don't agree with stuff that my brothers do, but I just accept that is what they chose and go on.

This message is for all of you to absorb/feel/comprehend/experience for yourself and to evaluate how you feel about holidays.  We shouldn't have to prepare to go a holiday gathering (or to our family's home for that matter), we shouldn't have to feel afraid of what may happen, anxious about the expectations; and ultimately we shouldn't have to do anything that jeopardizes our safety/happiness/inner light.
Wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving this week.

Love to you,
EstaRa

Day 22 of My 45 Day Journey

Good Morning beautiful people,

So in this journey of paying attention to my thoughts--again it just happens now--it isn't like I am constantly thinking to myself, "what am I thinking", instead, the vigilance just happens when you immerse yourself in the energy of change.  I've been spending less time on the computer these days--which is really great for transforming my life so that is why I am not posting a daily blog--which by the way, I found myself upset about at first, but then it occurred to me --this is my journey and I need to do what is best for me. I found that I am spending more time taking care of me--which is by far most important.  

So today, I share something very personal that I discovered on this Journey of Removing Negativity.  Yesterday, I felt negativity/old beliefs creeping in. I had a phone call with a dear soul, my twinflame, that I haven’t talked with in awhile.  He asked me how I was doing and if I was working, and I said, "yes, but very little still because I can really only take weekend appointments at this time with all the physical therapy appointments I have going on."  He asked me how much money I was making.  Now, many of you may think he is just asking because all he cares about is money, but in truth he is asking because he  is worried about me—he knows that I literally live day to day and never know how I am going to pay things.   It has been quite the struggle over the past couple of years and he is well aware of it, but that is not the point—the point is that in the instant he asked me—the flow of the conversation changed, or I should say I changed it for a few minutes because I became really uncomfortable with it.  I reacted almost defensively, but not that he would recognize that, but I sure recognized the feeling building inside of me. I felt embarrassed that all I can do is 2 appointments per weekend and once in a while 3 and that I don’t make a lot of money.  He asked why? Again, I emphasize, he asked me out of love not out of any judgment--he is worried about me and yet he doesn't want to say that because saying that would make him uncomfortable so instead he asks the things that logically make sense to him. (boy do I ever understand him--I love him deeply and he without really understanding it I am sure, loves me just as deeply.)   I said. "physically I can’t handle more than that and right now I am still trying to heal and still in a great deal of pain."  He said, "what does that mean?"  I told him,  "It means that I carry myself like I am fine because I don't want to dwell on the negative, but in reality I feel a great deal of pain and exhaustion most of the time. In addition I am doing everything I know to heal myself.   I am in so many doctors and Physical Therapy all over the state—let alone I am still trying to recover my body, driving all over for appointments and then extremely physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted after the appointments."  (I will not go into it, but let’s suffice it to say that I do not  have the greatest insurance, as it is only accepted 40 minutes from me in either direction for Physical Therapy.)  

Anyway, I was able to catch what I was feeling/experiencing and then I was able to reframe it as I talked to him getting our conversation back to "comfortable" for me.  I said, "I am so proud of myself for being able to work that much and yes, I am well aware that it isn't a lot of money and it keeps me scared, but the reality is that three months ago I wasn't able to do this at all and for the most part I can be consistent with a few cancellations here and there."  I was able to look at how far I had come even if to the observer--it may not be very far at all.  So, back to the feeling of embarrassment and insecurity.  After I hung up with him, I sat for a few minutes and pondered what had happened, and what I discovered is that him asking me those questions brought up my insecurity and my feelings of being less than—I felt in that moment unworthy of him. OMG I thought I had worked on that, that thought immediately came to mind, and then I said softly to myself--yes, you have, but here is another layer.  This has nothing to do with him. It  has all to do with "little April" who feels she is not good enough because she is not like everyone else.  She is different--she is in pain, she is a burden, she is poor, she can't even take care of herself. It really brought me out on a truthful/painful tangent.  What is different this time is that I realize those are "little April's fears" and she is comparing herself to physically healthy people her adult age with expectations that she had for herself prior to the car accident.  This is a different experience than healthy people. I need to honor where "adult April" is at during this time.  She needs to know that she is worthy, loveable and capable to healing.   So rather than beat myself up, I was able to talk to the little girl in me and tell her that this is temporary to feel this way and her focus should be on remembering that she is healing and, she is valuable,  she is abundant in love and friendships, that money does not dictate who she is, she is perfect as she is: lovable and worthy.  At the end of my "little session with myself", I discovered even my twinflame thinks I am lovable and worthy otherwise he wouldn't hold a concern for me as he does.   I realize when I change my perception it really does make a difference, because had my twinflame and I had this conversation 5 years ago, I wouldn't have seen that he does find me lovable and worthy, instead I would have felt he didn't think I was good enough.  Wow not only is my twinflame growing with love--so am I.

Wow such profound work, without really working. In essence it took me only 15-20 minutes to work through all of this--our phone conversation only lasted 10 minutes and I spent a good 5-10 minutes clearing this belief.  I realize that the universe may show it to me again to ensure that I've really cleared it.

May you have some amazing discoveries for yourself on this path today...

Love,

EstaRa 

Relationships: Road Map of Our Soul's Journey

Relationships are the single most important ingredient in a person’s life experience. It is impossible to live a life on this planet and not establish relationships with people or animals. A love relationship is the most prominent relationship in our mind whether we are single, married, gay or straight. The love relationship stirs up emotions, lessons and whirlwinds.

I asked my angels why are so many of our lessons tied to relationships and their answer is that every lesson we learn is tied to relationships. Our soul experience enlists other souls on this journey we call life to help us. My favorite book is The Little Soul and the Sun; it is a children’s parable adapted from the book, The Conversations with God written by Neale Donald Walsch. It is probably the most powerful children’s book I ever read and quite honestly I think every adult should read it as if it were a manual for their soul. It should be considered one of many training materials for the newly awakened souls on our planet. It provides probably the most beautiful definition as to why our relationships may be what they are for us.

Do you ever experience the same relationships over and over: Same person, same relationship, different face, and different name? That is because the lesson has not yet been learned. We have made pacts with many souls to help us learn on our life path. We have recruited people to come into our life and those pacts can’t be undone until we learn what we asked to learn.

I remember when I was younger I dated the same guy for several years. I say the same guy, but it was really a different person, different name, but the results were all the same. I hadn’t learned the greatest lesson of all which was to love me above all else.

The greatest lesson of all for each of us is that of self love and acceptance. It really isn’t about who loves us and if we are loved by another; it is about us being loved by us. Each relationship we bring into our lives is meant to show us who we are and to bring out our ability to fall in love with ourselves first.

It is also why relationships do not last forever and are not meant to last forever. We are meant to come together with one another for the time needed to learn what wisdom each of us has to impart to one another this time around. I know fairy tales depict a life where we are supposed to be with that one person forever; but the truth is that we are evolving human beings. What once worked for us may no longer work as we continue to evolve and grow on our journey. When we enter a relationship with another we make an unspoken agreement with one another about the dynamics of the relationship. That is to say that we each come into the relationship with our own baggage and at a place in the relationship that works for us. However, as we all know nothing stays the same and while each of us has a path that we are following we are changing. As we change, the dynamics of our relationship change and that is when it is time to look at the original agreement. Often times it no longer fits for both people. We become very attached to that which we know and are comfortable with; this is often why we develop fear about moving forward and resort to staying in a relationship that is not good for us or one that we know we have outgrown. The length of time of a relationship always varies on the individuals involved based on their own spiritual growth; sometimes we learn lessons a lot quicker than our partner and sometimes we learn our lessons together. This is when decisions need to be made about the relationship. A question we often fail to ask and answer sincerely is: are we both willing to work as much as needed for each of us to grow in this relationship? Sometimes we don’t ask because we don’t want to know the answer: either we are not willing or our partner is not willing to fully work on themselves in order for this relationship to continue in a healthy way. It takes both people to make it work. And other times, the answer is so clear that what once brought you together is no longer there. Regardless of what the answer is we need to ask ourselves in a very general way what do we want in a relationship and then face your relationship and see if it is what you really desire.

Many times people find themselves in a relationship that they realize is or has been over, yet they have stayed because of the financial stability aspect, they have children together or what others may think of them. The truth is that people stay only because of how they feel about themselves; the other things look acceptable and provide reasonable excuses for them not living their full potential. That is not to say that everyone should bail on a relationship that is hard---a relationship that presents difficulty allows for growth, but a relationship that has long been outlived represents someone stuck. This is when self-honesty and self love must come into play.

Often at the end of a relationship we fail to remember that it simply is okay to move forward and let go. Letting go is scary and I am not trying to minimize it as I have experienced my share of fear at the letting go of relationships, but I can promise you that it will be okay. It is always going to be okay. And most of all, we can never go back to where we were before this relationship because we are evolving beings who learn from each experience, and it puts us at the very least one step ahead of where we were before. With time and much healing, we often find our way clear to the next relationship. No matter what, relationships are our road map on our soul’s journey; each experience points us in our next direction.

I have to admit that sometimes I do need to be reminded every so often while I am in the midst of a relationship that it is something I am drawing to me based on what lessons I chose to learn in this life.
Sometimes it seems easier than others. I also tend to go back to a poem I wrote four years ago; it tends to really put my thoughts into perspective at the end of a relationship. I hope it helps you as well. Please see below:

It wasn’t until that moment you walked away that I realized how
much love means…

Yes, it is easy to think I am talking about love from you, but
in that moment, I realized it is all about love for me. If I
showed myself half the love I gave to you, I would have had a
love with you that would have lasted a lifetime. But in failing
to love me fully I failed to let you see your power within.

It wasn’t until that moment you walked away that I realized how
much you gave to me…

You leaving sparked in me what I already knew—but failed to
recognize while I was with you…I already had the peace and love
I wanted—I had found it within me. I didn’t need you to complete
me—I was already complete when I found you—but I failed to see
that as enough even more so I sought for you to give it to me.

It wasn’t until that moment you walked away that I realized how
much I found…

Giving up myself to you, I didn’t love me the way I needed to
love me. I reconnected who I was within and took back the power
I freely gave away. I found that with or without you I am whole,
complete and loved.

You Are So Beautiful!

The other night I walked by the mirror and caught a view of myself in it. I did a double take and I said, “wow, you are so beautiful.” That was an amazing revelation to me. The interesting thing is that I have for the last several years of my life always said I loved me and I have, but I had never said I was beautiful, but damn it I truly am.

I have always wanted to be the teacher who could and would teach people to fall in love with themselves, and yes I have been doing that; but what could be more amazing than me teaching it while knowing that I am falling in love with me all over again. It was such a wonderful feeling the other night. It was incredible really, I am a little high on all this…who needs to drink or do drugs when you can be so high on simply loving you?

I met someone and I shall call him “L” for now. When I met “L”, he forced me to look at me and come to the realization that I am beautiful. You wonder how that is possible? Honestly, I will tell you, if I was reading this I would be saying to me how is that possible that a man you love and are not with can make you see yourself as beautiful?

Well, I would have to say, “L” was the first man that I loved who looked at me when he met me and said with complete and utter sincerity, “You are so beautiful. You look like an angel”. That was four years ago. I knew that night he saw my spirit and I was very comfortable in knowing that my spirit was beautiful. When you are psychic you don’t see people the same any longer, you begin to see them as the love that they are, the potential of their growth and the true essence that is their soul so I could easily accept that he saw my spirit and thought it was beautiful. What I didn’t always allow me to know is that he saw me---April, physical, in person April with her spirit shining through her physical being. “L” is not and does not proclaim to be a spiritual person; if anything he is the opposite of me so all he could see was the physical April in front of him. I never doubted what he saw in me because he was so clearly speaking his truth in that moment, but I think perhaps I doubted my own beauty. I guess I never considered myself to be beautiful before. Yes, I loved my eyes and thought I had beautiful eyes, but my whole physical being, is it beautiful, was more of the question?

Still riding the high waves from the other night’s revelation, I decided to look a little more at me and what it is that I am working on...

Fortunately and unfortunately as you will learn, I am always working on me even when I want to run and hide which in the last few months has been quite often I can honestly say. The funny thing is that is what I love so most about me; I don’t end up giving up, rather I keep forging ahead to heal me.

I have discovered on this part of the journey I am working on feeling “good enough”. I learned a long time ago from my angels and guides that I often get the clearest messages by way of the relationships I have in my life; particularly with men. I think because the men in my life have been so unsure of themselves; I have used that to keep giving me reason to feel like I am not worthy or good enough. When, in fact, I know that their uncertainty and insecurity is not about me. When you think about it, it is like my own sick rationale for feeling unlovable or unbeautiful? (is that even a word?) Does that make sense?

The other day, I just got through saying to a friend that I wish I knew why people were in my life at the time they are there, but it appears that I end up learning the reason after the fact. I believe that I am there for people as much as I believe they are there for me. This time around I thank “L” for his love and his recognition of my beauty—it may have taken me four years to recognize what he did, but without him…I may not have.