Day 22 of My 45 Day Journey

Good Morning beautiful people,

So in this journey of paying attention to my thoughts--again it just happens now--it isn't like I am constantly thinking to myself, "what am I thinking", instead, the vigilance just happens when you immerse yourself in the energy of change.  I've been spending less time on the computer these days--which is really great for transforming my life so that is why I am not posting a daily blog--which by the way, I found myself upset about at first, but then it occurred to me --this is my journey and I need to do what is best for me. I found that I am spending more time taking care of me--which is by far most important.  

So today, I share something very personal that I discovered on this Journey of Removing Negativity.  Yesterday, I felt negativity/old beliefs creeping in. I had a phone call with a dear soul, my twinflame, that I haven’t talked with in awhile.  He asked me how I was doing and if I was working, and I said, "yes, but very little still because I can really only take weekend appointments at this time with all the physical therapy appointments I have going on."  He asked me how much money I was making.  Now, many of you may think he is just asking because all he cares about is money, but in truth he is asking because he  is worried about me—he knows that I literally live day to day and never know how I am going to pay things.   It has been quite the struggle over the past couple of years and he is well aware of it, but that is not the point—the point is that in the instant he asked me—the flow of the conversation changed, or I should say I changed it for a few minutes because I became really uncomfortable with it.  I reacted almost defensively, but not that he would recognize that, but I sure recognized the feeling building inside of me. I felt embarrassed that all I can do is 2 appointments per weekend and once in a while 3 and that I don’t make a lot of money.  He asked why? Again, I emphasize, he asked me out of love not out of any judgment--he is worried about me and yet he doesn't want to say that because saying that would make him uncomfortable so instead he asks the things that logically make sense to him. (boy do I ever understand him--I love him deeply and he without really understanding it I am sure, loves me just as deeply.)   I said. "physically I can’t handle more than that and right now I am still trying to heal and still in a great deal of pain."  He said, "what does that mean?"  I told him,  "It means that I carry myself like I am fine because I don't want to dwell on the negative, but in reality I feel a great deal of pain and exhaustion most of the time. In addition I am doing everything I know to heal myself.   I am in so many doctors and Physical Therapy all over the state—let alone I am still trying to recover my body, driving all over for appointments and then extremely physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted after the appointments."  (I will not go into it, but let’s suffice it to say that I do not  have the greatest insurance, as it is only accepted 40 minutes from me in either direction for Physical Therapy.)  

Anyway, I was able to catch what I was feeling/experiencing and then I was able to reframe it as I talked to him getting our conversation back to "comfortable" for me.  I said, "I am so proud of myself for being able to work that much and yes, I am well aware that it isn't a lot of money and it keeps me scared, but the reality is that three months ago I wasn't able to do this at all and for the most part I can be consistent with a few cancellations here and there."  I was able to look at how far I had come even if to the observer--it may not be very far at all.  So, back to the feeling of embarrassment and insecurity.  After I hung up with him, I sat for a few minutes and pondered what had happened, and what I discovered is that him asking me those questions brought up my insecurity and my feelings of being less than—I felt in that moment unworthy of him. OMG I thought I had worked on that, that thought immediately came to mind, and then I said softly to myself--yes, you have, but here is another layer.  This has nothing to do with him. It  has all to do with "little April" who feels she is not good enough because she is not like everyone else.  She is different--she is in pain, she is a burden, she is poor, she can't even take care of herself. It really brought me out on a truthful/painful tangent.  What is different this time is that I realize those are "little April's fears" and she is comparing herself to physically healthy people her adult age with expectations that she had for herself prior to the car accident.  This is a different experience than healthy people. I need to honor where "adult April" is at during this time.  She needs to know that she is worthy, loveable and capable to healing.   So rather than beat myself up, I was able to talk to the little girl in me and tell her that this is temporary to feel this way and her focus should be on remembering that she is healing and, she is valuable,  she is abundant in love and friendships, that money does not dictate who she is, she is perfect as she is: lovable and worthy.  At the end of my "little session with myself", I discovered even my twinflame thinks I am lovable and worthy otherwise he wouldn't hold a concern for me as he does.   I realize when I change my perception it really does make a difference, because had my twinflame and I had this conversation 5 years ago, I wouldn't have seen that he does find me lovable and worthy, instead I would have felt he didn't think I was good enough.  Wow not only is my twinflame growing with love--so am I.

Wow such profound work, without really working. In essence it took me only 15-20 minutes to work through all of this--our phone conversation only lasted 10 minutes and I spent a good 5-10 minutes clearing this belief.  I realize that the universe may show it to me again to ensure that I've really cleared it.

May you have some amazing discoveries for yourself on this path today...

Love,

EstaRa 

Day 19 of My 45 Day Journey

Good Morning Warriors of Words, Thought Transformers,

I can't believe it is Day 19 and the last entry I made was Day 11.  Have I mentioned that time is in actuality moving more quickly?  I can't seem to find enough time in my days to write -not to mention we had a holiday mixed in there and I unplugged from the internet for the weekend.   With all my driving to doctors, physical therapy appointments, chiropractor appointments, etc--I feel wiped out at the end of my day and the last thing I have been wanting to do is write.  

However, I have discovered that I really like having the opportunity for self care in the evenings so about 7:30 or 8 p.m. I close down my computer and go into my room and do a little light stretching (in recent time, the light stretching has gotten a little lighter due to all the healing I have been finally receiving--YES finally found good people to work with!).  This journey is helping me to reconnect to me in different ways some are old-new ways.  

Yesterday's snippet I emailed out is below.  My writing is in the blue-grey and the words from an article called, How to Stop Negative Thinking are written in italics and in white. I had some good self discovery in just writing out my snippet yesterday.

 Today, I’d like you to view Negativity a little differently. I’d like you to see that there are, in fact advantages to thinking negative.  Yep, I  just said that there are advantages to thinking negatively.  I didn’t say there are necessarily “positive advantages to staying negative, but I did say there are advantages.  For when you stay negative it creates the energy of stagnation, lack of change, which keeps you safe and protected. Hmmm, what does that mean?  Well, take a look here at a snippet from the article: How to Stop Negative Thinking below.   Under each section, I wrote some questions down for you to journal about.  The least this can do is get you thinking.

Thinking 'the worst', expecting failure and betrayal, seeing downsides where others don't, even seeing positives as negatives - all convey a kind of insurance policy. "If I expect the worst, then I won't be disappointed when it happens."

This used to be such an easy trap for me when I was a kid, I had a lot of disappointment growing up so in my early 20’s I always thought that way and when things went right, out of nowhere, I would be “surprised”.  Think over your life and experiences, in what areas/situations have you(do you) done this?

Another 'advantage' to negative thinking is the 'I told you so' syndrome. For some, it can feel more important to be proved right in their negative predictions than to have good things happen (and therefore be proved 'wrong').

Wow, another reminder of how I used to think too.  This “habit” started when I was in my mid-20’s, perhaps because my ego started to get a bit bigger and I saw what people thought when I (or others) was wrong so I was determined to be right.   Interestingly, what I also discovered is that with my car accident and not being heard by doctors, being mistreated by doctors---I found that I really want to be heard!  Therefore, I almost got caught up in this "told you so" syndrome.  Mind you, I have never exaggerated about my symptoms and body pains --if anything I downplayed much of it, but still not being heard made me want to prove to them (the doctors) how bad I really am which again would have gotten me caught up in that  "Spiral of Hell" as I like to call it. 

How does this play itself out in your life?    By the way,  there are people in my life (friends) that always think they are right and will actually argue with me when I know what I am saying is right--they are so afraid of looking like they are wrong--they will go on and on--and I finally just give in to them and say ok. (of course, they (friends) don't realize that I am doing that--and some (others observing) may view that I am being a pushover, but really it is simply because I realize they too "want to be heard" or want to "feel important", and perhaps that is the only way they feel heard is if they are "being right" whether they are or not.)

Before I get too positive about negativity, here's a thought: The habit of thinking negatively doesn't just predict how likely someone is to become depressed, but also predicts how likely they are to suffer all kinds of other illnesses later on in life as well.  I'm not suggesting that negative thoughts alone produce illness, but they don't help.

The most common negative thinking mistake… to describe himself as a 'realist'. Of course, anyone who strongly holds a belief think they are being 'realistic' in holding it, whether it involves green men from Mars or honest politicians.

The 'more realistic' proclamation is a favorite of cynics everywhere. And in a way they are right. But only because thinking negatively causes us not to try - or if we do try, to give up sooner - so the negativity itself influences results. Self-fulfilling prophecies really do happen. Research has even found that what we believe about our health can have more bearing on how long we live than our actual health. 

This is a favorite of those around me all the time!!  I used to get caught up in the trap of listening to people tell me to be realistic.  I am quite the believer of love, imaginer of big dreams and seeker of truth, but I have met more than my share of people who freely offer their opinions on my life, and are “trying to look out for me”,  “just don’t want me to make the same mistakes they did” or “really believe the worst will happen”.  Now, those people I just mentioned really do believe they are trying to help me, and that would be fine and all if I didn’t/don’t allow it to get in my head and mess with my dreams, goals and aspirations.  But, unfortunately sometimes they did/do and it undermines what I am trying to do.  If there is one area that I need to work on---it is likely this.   I do think friends and family can be a culprit of this; however, I do also believe they have the best interests in mind.  It would behoove us to choose to accept where their intention is but risk making our own “mistakes”, that is, if there are mistakes to be made.  One way, I learn to counteract this is to go into my heart, not my head, and find my truth there.

So, negative thoughts can plague us even when things seem to be going well: "It's too good to last!" Negative thinking distorts perception.

Now, to really do this journal entry/exercise justice would be to really look at your life, experiences, interactions and reality honestly.  No one is there to judge you—not even you (if you remember, this is a no-judgment zone)!  The more honest you are with yourself the more you will be able to transform your life.

In love,

EstaRa