Day 22 of My 45 Day Journey

Good Morning beautiful people,

So in this journey of paying attention to my thoughts--again it just happens now--it isn't like I am constantly thinking to myself, "what am I thinking", instead, the vigilance just happens when you immerse yourself in the energy of change.  I've been spending less time on the computer these days--which is really great for transforming my life so that is why I am not posting a daily blog--which by the way, I found myself upset about at first, but then it occurred to me --this is my journey and I need to do what is best for me. I found that I am spending more time taking care of me--which is by far most important.  

So today, I share something very personal that I discovered on this Journey of Removing Negativity.  Yesterday, I felt negativity/old beliefs creeping in. I had a phone call with a dear soul, my twinflame, that I haven’t talked with in awhile.  He asked me how I was doing and if I was working, and I said, "yes, but very little still because I can really only take weekend appointments at this time with all the physical therapy appointments I have going on."  He asked me how much money I was making.  Now, many of you may think he is just asking because all he cares about is money, but in truth he is asking because he  is worried about me—he knows that I literally live day to day and never know how I am going to pay things.   It has been quite the struggle over the past couple of years and he is well aware of it, but that is not the point—the point is that in the instant he asked me—the flow of the conversation changed, or I should say I changed it for a few minutes because I became really uncomfortable with it.  I reacted almost defensively, but not that he would recognize that, but I sure recognized the feeling building inside of me. I felt embarrassed that all I can do is 2 appointments per weekend and once in a while 3 and that I don’t make a lot of money.  He asked why? Again, I emphasize, he asked me out of love not out of any judgment--he is worried about me and yet he doesn't want to say that because saying that would make him uncomfortable so instead he asks the things that logically make sense to him. (boy do I ever understand him--I love him deeply and he without really understanding it I am sure, loves me just as deeply.)   I said. "physically I can’t handle more than that and right now I am still trying to heal and still in a great deal of pain."  He said, "what does that mean?"  I told him,  "It means that I carry myself like I am fine because I don't want to dwell on the negative, but in reality I feel a great deal of pain and exhaustion most of the time. In addition I am doing everything I know to heal myself.   I am in so many doctors and Physical Therapy all over the state—let alone I am still trying to recover my body, driving all over for appointments and then extremely physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted after the appointments."  (I will not go into it, but let’s suffice it to say that I do not  have the greatest insurance, as it is only accepted 40 minutes from me in either direction for Physical Therapy.)  

Anyway, I was able to catch what I was feeling/experiencing and then I was able to reframe it as I talked to him getting our conversation back to "comfortable" for me.  I said, "I am so proud of myself for being able to work that much and yes, I am well aware that it isn't a lot of money and it keeps me scared, but the reality is that three months ago I wasn't able to do this at all and for the most part I can be consistent with a few cancellations here and there."  I was able to look at how far I had come even if to the observer--it may not be very far at all.  So, back to the feeling of embarrassment and insecurity.  After I hung up with him, I sat for a few minutes and pondered what had happened, and what I discovered is that him asking me those questions brought up my insecurity and my feelings of being less than—I felt in that moment unworthy of him. OMG I thought I had worked on that, that thought immediately came to mind, and then I said softly to myself--yes, you have, but here is another layer.  This has nothing to do with him. It  has all to do with "little April" who feels she is not good enough because she is not like everyone else.  She is different--she is in pain, she is a burden, she is poor, she can't even take care of herself. It really brought me out on a truthful/painful tangent.  What is different this time is that I realize those are "little April's fears" and she is comparing herself to physically healthy people her adult age with expectations that she had for herself prior to the car accident.  This is a different experience than healthy people. I need to honor where "adult April" is at during this time.  She needs to know that she is worthy, loveable and capable to healing.   So rather than beat myself up, I was able to talk to the little girl in me and tell her that this is temporary to feel this way and her focus should be on remembering that she is healing and, she is valuable,  she is abundant in love and friendships, that money does not dictate who she is, she is perfect as she is: lovable and worthy.  At the end of my "little session with myself", I discovered even my twinflame thinks I am lovable and worthy otherwise he wouldn't hold a concern for me as he does.   I realize when I change my perception it really does make a difference, because had my twinflame and I had this conversation 5 years ago, I wouldn't have seen that he does find me lovable and worthy, instead I would have felt he didn't think I was good enough.  Wow not only is my twinflame growing with love--so am I.

Wow such profound work, without really working. In essence it took me only 15-20 minutes to work through all of this--our phone conversation only lasted 10 minutes and I spent a good 5-10 minutes clearing this belief.  I realize that the universe may show it to me again to ensure that I've really cleared it.

May you have some amazing discoveries for yourself on this path today...

Love,

EstaRa 

Day 19 of My 45 Day Journey

Good Morning Warriors of Words, Thought Transformers,

I can't believe it is Day 19 and the last entry I made was Day 11.  Have I mentioned that time is in actuality moving more quickly?  I can't seem to find enough time in my days to write -not to mention we had a holiday mixed in there and I unplugged from the internet for the weekend.   With all my driving to doctors, physical therapy appointments, chiropractor appointments, etc--I feel wiped out at the end of my day and the last thing I have been wanting to do is write.  

However, I have discovered that I really like having the opportunity for self care in the evenings so about 7:30 or 8 p.m. I close down my computer and go into my room and do a little light stretching (in recent time, the light stretching has gotten a little lighter due to all the healing I have been finally receiving--YES finally found good people to work with!).  This journey is helping me to reconnect to me in different ways some are old-new ways.  

Yesterday's snippet I emailed out is below.  My writing is in the blue-grey and the words from an article called, How to Stop Negative Thinking are written in italics and in white. I had some good self discovery in just writing out my snippet yesterday.

 Today, I’d like you to view Negativity a little differently. I’d like you to see that there are, in fact advantages to thinking negative.  Yep, I  just said that there are advantages to thinking negatively.  I didn’t say there are necessarily “positive advantages to staying negative, but I did say there are advantages.  For when you stay negative it creates the energy of stagnation, lack of change, which keeps you safe and protected. Hmmm, what does that mean?  Well, take a look here at a snippet from the article: How to Stop Negative Thinking below.   Under each section, I wrote some questions down for you to journal about.  The least this can do is get you thinking.

Thinking 'the worst', expecting failure and betrayal, seeing downsides where others don't, even seeing positives as negatives - all convey a kind of insurance policy. "If I expect the worst, then I won't be disappointed when it happens."

This used to be such an easy trap for me when I was a kid, I had a lot of disappointment growing up so in my early 20’s I always thought that way and when things went right, out of nowhere, I would be “surprised”.  Think over your life and experiences, in what areas/situations have you(do you) done this?

Another 'advantage' to negative thinking is the 'I told you so' syndrome. For some, it can feel more important to be proved right in their negative predictions than to have good things happen (and therefore be proved 'wrong').

Wow, another reminder of how I used to think too.  This “habit” started when I was in my mid-20’s, perhaps because my ego started to get a bit bigger and I saw what people thought when I (or others) was wrong so I was determined to be right.   Interestingly, what I also discovered is that with my car accident and not being heard by doctors, being mistreated by doctors---I found that I really want to be heard!  Therefore, I almost got caught up in this "told you so" syndrome.  Mind you, I have never exaggerated about my symptoms and body pains --if anything I downplayed much of it, but still not being heard made me want to prove to them (the doctors) how bad I really am which again would have gotten me caught up in that  "Spiral of Hell" as I like to call it. 

How does this play itself out in your life?    By the way,  there are people in my life (friends) that always think they are right and will actually argue with me when I know what I am saying is right--they are so afraid of looking like they are wrong--they will go on and on--and I finally just give in to them and say ok. (of course, they (friends) don't realize that I am doing that--and some (others observing) may view that I am being a pushover, but really it is simply because I realize they too "want to be heard" or want to "feel important", and perhaps that is the only way they feel heard is if they are "being right" whether they are or not.)

Before I get too positive about negativity, here's a thought: The habit of thinking negatively doesn't just predict how likely someone is to become depressed, but also predicts how likely they are to suffer all kinds of other illnesses later on in life as well.  I'm not suggesting that negative thoughts alone produce illness, but they don't help.

The most common negative thinking mistake… to describe himself as a 'realist'. Of course, anyone who strongly holds a belief think they are being 'realistic' in holding it, whether it involves green men from Mars or honest politicians.

The 'more realistic' proclamation is a favorite of cynics everywhere. And in a way they are right. But only because thinking negatively causes us not to try - or if we do try, to give up sooner - so the negativity itself influences results. Self-fulfilling prophecies really do happen. Research has even found that what we believe about our health can have more bearing on how long we live than our actual health. 

This is a favorite of those around me all the time!!  I used to get caught up in the trap of listening to people tell me to be realistic.  I am quite the believer of love, imaginer of big dreams and seeker of truth, but I have met more than my share of people who freely offer their opinions on my life, and are “trying to look out for me”,  “just don’t want me to make the same mistakes they did” or “really believe the worst will happen”.  Now, those people I just mentioned really do believe they are trying to help me, and that would be fine and all if I didn’t/don’t allow it to get in my head and mess with my dreams, goals and aspirations.  But, unfortunately sometimes they did/do and it undermines what I am trying to do.  If there is one area that I need to work on---it is likely this.   I do think friends and family can be a culprit of this; however, I do also believe they have the best interests in mind.  It would behoove us to choose to accept where their intention is but risk making our own “mistakes”, that is, if there are mistakes to be made.  One way, I learn to counteract this is to go into my heart, not my head, and find my truth there.

So, negative thoughts can plague us even when things seem to be going well: "It's too good to last!" Negative thinking distorts perception.

Now, to really do this journal entry/exercise justice would be to really look at your life, experiences, interactions and reality honestly.  No one is there to judge you—not even you (if you remember, this is a no-judgment zone)!  The more honest you are with yourself the more you will be able to transform your life.

In love,

EstaRa

Day 11 of Our 45 Day Journey

Good Morning Beautiful Being of Light,

I was preparing for this morning’s class message as I do every day, but I have to preface it with saying that I was mistreated in my physical healing since the beginning of my car accident. I also had many people tell me I wasn’t in pain and that I was struggling when I only needed to choose love, change my thoughts and I would be fine.  By the way—hard to choose love, change your thoughts, when you cannot speak/express fully due to a concussion, have lack of sleep for 3 months and in constant, excruciating pain with no end or care in sight—yes that is just a bit of what I underwent for nearly two years.  I was victimized horribly by the medical profession and lack of care. But long after I continued to stay trapped in that energy to some degree.  It has only been since I have been thinking more clearly, the last couple of months (the symptoms are beginning to clear up—thank heavens!), that I realized I allowed (did you catch that ?), I allowed them (the medical world, people who didn’t understand my pain, people who couldn’t possibly comprehend what I was going through clients and friends included) to get in my head and keep me feeling unworthy, a burden and crazy.

Now, if you have been with me on this journey—you know that I have questioned everything and appeared nothing like a victim, but inside of me I tended to beat me up. I tended to hold the victim mentality to a small extent, but nonetheless I have held it by way of forgetting what I already knew to be true.  Now, I do understand that there were things I did not have full control of and the medical system is set up to victimize people.  They want to create victims whether they are consciously aware of it or not and they do whether it be the full fledged victim behavior/mentality or like I did—forget the knowledge I had deep within me.   

I share my story with you so that you can understand there are times we all get caught up in the trap of it—we live in a society that embraces victimization and drama.    Now saying all the above,  please know I am well aware that things happen out of our control, but we have to remember we have the power to overcome it once the "situation" has happened.  It may mean work to change our view/thought/perception of what has happened.  I have done it many times in my past about many different things that have happened to me throughout my life.  Now, the new lesson for me is with regard to the Medical World and how I am here to speak my truth and change things—not how they will determine for me who I am.  This is really deeper than I expected to go when I started writing this morning.  I hope it bring some enlightenment to you as well.
 
I realize that there are some things out of my control, but now that I am thinking more clearly, I need to get a handle on what it is that I can do.  I am noticing there are many people around me that have been accepting less than they deserve too perhaps with a similar victim mentality without even noticing it.  Hmmm...really interesting perception.   Really some work to go in changing the energy.  It is time for a shift!  I'm ready.

Love and light,
EstaRa

Day 10 of my 45 Day Journey

I performed a house clearing today for the first time in quite some time.  Boy, I found myself second guessing practically everything I was doing. This paying attention to my thoughts really matters and is showing me some real changes!  It really does make me realize that I have to rebuild from all the negative energy that I have been surrounded in for nearly 2 years.  When I look back it is so easy to see how I got stuck.  If you don't already know, I had the absolute worse health care for about a year (if you can even call it health care).  And well from that point forward the negativity piled in--not for others so much as for myself--you know beating oneself up?  Not trusting my own judgment. I am sure that comes from the fact that I had a pretty bad concussion--I mean I couldn't process words and I couldn't even speak for that matter--I sounded like robot--and you all that know me...know I sound anything, but like a robot.

Life can be such a messy journey...time to clean it up! I got this image of old Orbit Gum commercials--dirty mouth, clean it up.  hahaha

Anyway, I realize today that I need to re-learn how to trust myself again...that is what negative self talk has created in me--fear of trusting myself.  This is a lesson that is invaluable and grateful that doing this 45 days is having me pay attention without my full conscious awareness just what is happening inside of me.  What is going on in my head. Wow...what a lesson!

Day 9 of my 45 Day Journey

Good Day Everyone,

I went to a funeral Saturday.  I haven't been to funeral in like five years.  Last year during my incapacitation due to the car accident, I had three very dear people die and I was unable to attend their closing.  I love that they called the "event" today the Celebration of this person's life, but I have to say that it was anything, but that.  It has been a long time since I have been in a church and you know what? I don't miss it.  I love the magic I live every day.

The church was cold (and yes, I know it is expensive to heat a church), but that feels unwelcoming.  The church's set up was one where to enter the "pew" (I don't even know if that is the spelling of the word) you had to open the gate.  Now I don't know the real meaning for that, but it made you feel like it was a privilege to enter the gate and then the altar was up on where you were lower.  I really have to say that the messages that I felt there were anything, but welcoming and love.  I did however, enjoy some of the passages that were read and if I could remember any of them, I would share them with you.  Of course what I loved about it, was the symbolic meaning of the words spoken--not the meaning that I am sure the church wishes for all to believe. 

Anyway, I have to say that I have been trying to write my blog since Saturday night and I kept getting interrupted by life and then there was Sunday.  Good weather by far beats out sitting in front of computer anytime besides it is a great way to change the energy to a positive one.  It is great way to clear away negative by switching it up a bit. 

I found that sitting idle at home made for me to think of things that made me sad--think about the things I do not have, things I have longed for, things I have waited for that have not yet arrived.  The best way for me to refocus was to go outside by the beach and sit on a rock and breathe.

Day 6 of 45 Day Journey

Good Day!

I have been extremely overwhelmed the last couple of days--experiencing extreme headaches and body pains...it is quite overwhelming really.  This is Day 6 of our Journey together.  May you each find balance in your life and change the way things are for the better.  I have to admit for me it has been a bit of a struggle as I have not felt well the last few days—body pain always seems to get me down and it takes extra effort to be present with myself, but as always I am a creation in progress.  Notice I used the word creation, rather than work in progress?  Work signals my brain and the universe that life must be work…I’d rather have life be a creation so I chose words that resonate more deeply in my soul. Besides with creation, there  is always change involved. :)

I am finding that it has been particularly hard to consciously change my thoughts when my body is undergoing pain. (I'm referring to the first day when I was able to walk myself through a belief.) For the record, since my car accident I have been in pain every day of my life; it is just that it has become my new normal.   But when I complain or state that I have been experiencing pain, such as I just did,  it is simply much more difficult or painful than my new normal.  I didn't write the last few days because I have spent so much time at physical therapy, doctor appointments and then I was just too tired to sit upright.  

What I have noticed is that simply because I am not consciously evaluating my life and experiences,

doesn't mean that I don't have revelations; as a matter of fact, I have been noticing that some of my friends are stuck in the same loop of negativity.  They don't see it as such because they are so enmeshed in it.  It didn't occur to me how much of a rut some of them are in, which in essence, keeps me in a similar rut; even if I am trying to change me and my thoughts--if I stay surrounded by people who are not trying to change themselves then I will remain stuck just the same, and it will recycle itself.  WOW!!  Big work ahead for me and perhaps big changes too!   I can't speak for those friends, but I can speak for me--I wish to be in a better place by year's end and next year's beginning so I will roll up my sleeves and start paying attention a little better.

By the way, today's exercise for this class is about grounding.  You cannot expect to change your reality, particularly if you are not grounding your reality to the earth.  Without grounding, your dreams are like a balloon in the sky floating around with the whims of the wind; where as with  grounding, your dreams are anchored right where you are--therefore, manifesting everything there.  

As a special this month, I am offering my Guided Grounding Meditation for $10.00. Next month, the price will be going up to $20.00. This meditation will calm you, balance you and help you to be more present in your life, expand your intuition and begin your journey into meditation. It will help you feel more grounded and centered when performed for a minimum of once per day.  Buy Now  

 In addition, you are invited to join in the journey, 45 Days to Releasing Negativity in your life.  There is still time to join until November 30th.  The email class which provides tools for removing negativity in your life, tools for changing your thoughts, tools to refocus yourself and tools for letting go began on Sunday, November 16th and will end on Wednesday, December 31st.   The small fee click here to buy includes a daily email directly to your inbox as noted above and all previous emails leading up to the day of your purchase.


Catch you on the other side of Negativity---that would be Positive-Life Changing-Dreams Manifested side!

Love EstaRa